Anonymous Message to Toxic Parents

 I’d like to start this blog with a message to all of those with toxic parents (one or both): 

I’m sorry if you’ve had to manage the stress and if you have felt betrayed by the notion that a parent should be a major part of your support system. The truth is: they should be. But unfortunately, for you, it feels impossible. Don’t shame yourself for feeling resentment, just remember that at times it’s ok to feel that way because your feelings are valid.

I’m sorry if you started to compare your parents to others and felt discouraged by the reality of your homelife. For some of you, this might have occurred if you visited a friend’s house and were shocked by their parents’ non-toxic behaviours. One might say that every household is different and has their own problems, and this is true. But for you, your household makes you feel unsafe and emotionally taxed. As you grow older, know that it is ok to stand up for yourself, and that you deserve better because it is not fair to walk on eggshells for your entire life. 

I’m sorry if you’ve had to act like a therapist and “parent your parents.” I know that it might’ve felt like a full-time job and impossible for you to have personal space. I remember interacting with peers who didn’t want to go home because of the toxicity, and they were afraid to ask for help because that would jeopardize their living situation. 

A toxic parent leaves a permanent scar. Remember, you are not destined to end up like your toxic parent. If you fear that you will, take some time to reflect and try new experiences that can help you break the toxic cycle. You are not alone, and sometimes it is an aspect of us that we never want to share.

Toxic Parent? What?

A toxic parent is one that makes their child feel stressed or constantly discouraged. This can be enabled through conditional love, meaning that they only treat you well if you accomplish something. Or, this can be through neglect and negative comments that make you feel inadequate. All in all, it is a different situation for everyone. This makes your home life toxic and it’s one of the hardest things to accept. 

What should I do with a toxic parent?

This is such a difficult question. For children, if they have a problem, they are usually instructed to “talk to a trusted adult” and build a healthy relationship with their parents. However, with a toxic parent, that solution isn’t available. As a result, you feel isolated and you don’t know who to talk to. 

So, what can I do? Ask yourself: what friends or other family members do I have?

If you feel like you do, then try to form stronger connections with them. This can start as simple as saying hi or just keeping consistent contact. In fact, it’s great to spend some time with them outside of the house and controlling your own actions by scheduling a meet-up with them. If you feel brave enough, you can mention your homelife to them. From this, you know that you have somewhere or someone to go to when home gets too toxic for you.

Sometimes, one of the best things to do is to strengthen connections or create new connections with friends or other family members. Forming closer bonds can encourage you to acknowledge your experiences and remember that your feelings are valid. What you experience is real, and what you feel is important. After processing your emotions, I encourage you to remember that you are valuable. 

Of course, this all sounds easier said than done, but in the end, value yourself first and remember that your toxic parent’s words are an outside opinion that puts you last. It takes practice, and lots of mental strength. Yet, overtime, you will get stronger and feel more confident.