Saying No is Okay by Rebecca Nicole Sy

I used to want to be a people pleaser. I said “yes” to so many things and later, regretted it. I put

other people’s needs before my own because I didn’t value myself and my own needs. We all have to do things we don't want to do and that is just part of life. However, so many people unnecessarily agree to do things they don’t even have to do. Sometimes, these things can get pretty big and soon, almost irreversible. For example, saying yes to taking on a large assignment all by yourself or accepting a position or job you weren’t even sure about. I understand we want others to like us and accept us; it’s human nature. I know it's very hard to think about letting someone you care about down or falling short of someone’s expectation of you. It is true, saying "no" can even be heartbreaking to someone else. With that said, so is saying "yes", when you don’t mean it.

I find that in general, people often foster resentment and regret when they don't honor themselves and their needs. Sometimes, this leads us to be even more critical of ourselves and spiral into negative self-talk, which can be quite unhealthy if we do it a lot.

If you find that you are spending your time participating in activities or arrangements that make you feel resentful, exhausted, or down on yourself, here are five ways to start cultivating the healthy habit of saying "no" :

1. Check-in with your body.

When you are asked to do something for someone or are in any way summoned to give your time and energy to something, take a moment to see how you feel in your body. For example, ask yourself “does the request make you feel tired?”

 Your body is very wise and will often tell you if something isn't right. 

2. Ask yourself, "do I really want to do this?"

If the answer isn’t clear, you may want to consider writing about it as a way to think it through. Or if it is a complex choice, talk it over with someone you trust. When you make it a habit to say yes without thinking, it takes some time and active work to relearn how to hear that inner voice that tells you whether or not you truly want something.

3. Take time before answering.

After some time, I’ve learned that it’s okay to say “no”. That being said, I still notice my immediate reaction to almost any request of me is a cheerful "sure!". That’s why before I answer, I have learned to take some time to think about what is being asked of me. 

4. Start by saying no to little things.

Just like if you're trying to lift weights, it’s best to start small and work up to a larger amount.   This gives you more practice and I find that the more you practice declining the invitations and things you do not want, the better trained you'll be to decline the bigger propositions in life.

5. Try not to give elaborate excuses.

If someone invites you to dinner and you don’t feel like going, just say you can’t do it that night. You don’t have to tell your friend that you are sick and your dog ran away and your toilet overflowed. You don't need to justify that or apologize! Saying no to something, for whatever reason, is often enough.

Learning to say "no" when you authentically mean "no" is a life skill. For some people, it comes quite naturally. For others, it requires practice and conscious use. It may not feel right at first, but it's necessary for living life truthfully and a skill that will promote good overall emotional health.